Two years ago, Ida Dahl was the queen of long-distance skiing. But this season, she has been noticeably absent from Ski Classics. She has previously shared that she has been suffering from exhaustion. Now, she opens up about just how terrible this year has been.

Ida Dahl describes her situation on Instagram, just as her competitors have celebrated the end of the season:

“The 24/25 season is coming to an end, and never in my wildest imagination could I have envisioned the hell this year would become.

It has been a year marked by fear, restlessness, anxiety, tears, and a completely numbing fatigue.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve broken down in tears out of fear. When my legs can no longer carry me, my heart races, I become dizzy, and the exhaustion paralyzes me, with the feeling of someone sitting on my chest. I don’t want to know how many times I’ve thought and accepted that I was going to die.

The number of hours I’ve spent on the phone with loved ones just so the loneliness and fear wouldn’t consume me. Well, I’m sure my phone bill could tell you that!

Being exhausted may sound simple, and for most people, it’s hard to understand. I could never have imagined what it truly entails until I experienced it myself. But it is anything but simple—for me or those around me. And despite an enormous amount of support from those close to me, there have been times when I’ve never felt so scared and alone.

The road back is long, unpredictable, and exhausting, but I’ll probably learn a lot along the way. Lessons I’ll carry with me. Not least, it gives you perspective on life—and eventually. I can feel grateful for the life I have outside of all this.

But despite everything this experience has brought with it, I will always be thankful for what I’ve gone through... It’s something I never want anyone else to have to experience.

That being said: Now I’m waving goodbye to this shitty year, and what lies ahead—no one knows except time. But a big THANK YOU to all of you who are by my side, and to those of you who, in one way or another, cheer me on and support me along the way.”

Read more: Ida Dahl opens up